What really counts when you feel like a complete disaster.
The last few months have been really tough. There has been many medication changes and my immune system is in love with every flu, cough and virus going. So much so that it feels everytime it comes across a new physical discomfort it feels it has to pass it into my body as a somewhat gift from stress. On the other hand there’s finally been a breakthrough with therapy but that’s not always easy. Seems to be the hard part but you know your getting somewhere so you remain hopeful and continue processing the past, present and future in the most productive way you can at that given time.
I first sat down for therapy at eleven or twelve years old. I remember being so small in that huge chair and getting frustrated that not only did my feet not touch the ground but that I sank so deep into this and couldn’t sit on it properly when my body just wouldn’t stretch to touch the back. Must have seemed fairly tense sitting so upright.. I needed a kids chair. I was a kid and kids should be out playing on a Saturday morning not sitting where I was. €60 was what my parents had to pay for this hour session every Saturday. €60 for me to stare at certificates on walls while getting more frustrated with a chair rather than even make eye contact with blonde haired counsellor looking at me wide eyed with a pen in her hand. €60 to hear what I’ve only said in the last year. Basically ten years later. But looking at the positive I now sit on a couch (sometimes floor when couch is annoying me) but I’m more concerned about what’s in the session than the couch.
I’ve achieved more in the last 6 months than I have my whole life. On my darkest days I still get out of bed even if it’s 7pm in the evening and I’m only up to get a cuppa its still something.
I’ve my Irish Red Cross practical first aid course nearly completed. Okay so I might avoid the canteen at break but I interact in class and I know CPR which can help anyone. I’ve creative writing every Monday. Kinda scary we’ve to talk out loud about different things all the time. Reminds me of math class when I knew my answer was wrong yet still had to read it out. This however is our perception or thoughts on something so there really is no right or wrong. It helps knowing that you can’t mess up too much.
Suicide used to be my last resort, in other words my only resort. It wasn’t a last option. I felt like there was no options and that’s how it manifested. Now it’s not even an option out of many. It will never be an option. I get suicidal from time to time, I wish sometimes I could disappear and walk away from it all but sometimes you just have to hear it from someone else that your worth something and you have a place on this earth. To someone somewhere you make a difference.
We all fuck up sometimes. We’re human covers it really but really even in our fuck ups there’s still someone thinking about you and admiring something you have they value. Be it perseverance. Be it your value to them as a friend.
The last few months have been spent analysing and criticising. Unhappy with myself as a family member, a friend and a girlfriend. You can try so hard to pull yourself together but deep down hidden locked up inside you is a constant nudge of not being enough or just a disaster in general. You feel as if there’s this weakness inside you that all those who’ve felt hardship have grown to overcome.
There is this tiny part inside of me that I may never truly recover from. Have you ever heard someone recently grieving say that they lost a piece of themselves the day they lost that special person?
It’s very different but in a way it’s similar to that. I’m whole but it’s as if after everything that’s happened there will always be this 5-10% that will never be okay and I can’t seem to get my head around that.
As a sister will my amazing little insta loving teenage sisters be able to recongnise that I’m actually not always in a constant mood but I’m just feeling that tiny percentage inside me.
As your family be it your daughter, niece or cousin. Will they ever feel they can talk to me or come to me for help or will I always be seen to “have enough going on?” .
As your girlfriend will the tables ever be allowed turn. Will you let me be there for you and will you allow me to look after you sometimes and lie in bed with you comforting you when everything is feeling like too much. Let us forget about everything and just take time to ourselves while I yap about the latest news headlines and you have no choice but to step in and say “Katie we haven’t slept all night. Just close your eyes and let us get some sleep for an hour or two” . I worry is the evidence marked on my body always going to be too noticeable for you to let yourself not have to continuously put me first. You do love your tattooed babes so maybe if we win the lotto that’ll be my go to for covering it all up. Don’t let the fact that what happened is evident on me make you feel any less significant in this. In us. I don’t want that. Most of our struggles are internal and completely invisible to all those outside. If the outside of me seems unhappy or worried just remember on the inside I love you dearly and those eyes of yours will always make my heart race. You light up a spark in me. Help me light yours sometime.
As a soon to be twenty year old girl I want to be that party hard and live young friend to you. I don’t want to be a buzzkill. I am at times I know but we can still have fun. We can still down shots, head off to Amsterdam, chat guys and Ann summers hot new bed wear. We will laugh and dance around to “gangsta paradise” while being silly and carefree. I can do that. Well no I can’t dance but sure I’ll bop around anyway and just pretend I’m MJ for those moments with you to see you smile and me laugh at your reaction to my moves.
My struggles have definitely been very public. The last time I seen you told me about a day to which I don’t remember. We were in the camhs inpatient unit in Galway and I’d caused a bit of damage to myself. I sat with towels wrapped about my wrist cursing how I’d never make a professional darts player because my target aim was so shockingly bad. It’s a good thing now but then it was just adding fuel to the fire on a hourly basis. You all sat in the sitting room not allowed to leave for fear of the shock you may get upon coming across the scene of what just happened. Two of you had accidentally seen it but you all heard it and you worried I was going to die. I’ve heard that too many a time to be possible but I’m here writing this so at this stage I’ve realised I’m not meant to go. Or atleast try not determine or go against what’s already in place for my life and my journey. When I returned home after years of being detained the consultant treating me told pretty much anybody that would listen that he gave me a week. One week. But that he was expecting the call to say I’d taken my life within three days of my discharge. Newspapers wrote article after article of just how high my risk was and the high courts assessments of my mental state. Doctors, barristers, judges, nurses and many others were numbering my days.
Well lads I hate to break it to you but it’s been over fourteen months. It’s been 435 days longer than what many professionals had given me to last. You really gotta stop worrying so much. I wouldn’t be here right now if I intended to end my life. I’m okay and I’m far better than many people quoted. Those 435 days that’s my doing. Not constant observation or sedation or anything else for the matter. It’s me living my life and wanting too.
Last night someone very dear to me had me in tears with her message. Not because I was sad but because I was completely taken back. She told me just how much of an amazing friend I was to her and that even on my worst days I make her feel better because she knows she has an amazing kind inspirational courageous funny best friend full of life (those words really got me for I always think it’s burdening when I’m having bad day after bad day). She remembers me smiling at her everyday when she sat down to face her toughest task of each day And that I’ve helped her and done so much for her that I wouldn’t even believe her if she told me in every way how I did. It’s true I wouldn’t have believed it but last night when I was in bed crying in the dark for not being able to be there for those in my life and I received this message and I cried louder and ten times harder. Everything I was beating myself up for not being to those around me I clearly was to her. Sometimes you just need to shut up that incredible damaging critic inside your head and listen to your loved ones voices around you.
We’re all a mess sometimes and we can all be so awful to ourselves mentally and emotionally speaking to the person we think we see in the mirror. When feeling hopeless, worthless, inadequate or whatever the feeling just know somebody else may see you as their world and all the bright stars in it.
Don’t be too hard on yourself (may read this myself a few times). I promise you someone out there is missing your smile, someone is awake at night waiting for your call and loves you completely. Even with all those insecurities you have. Who knows it could be one of the favourite little things about you. Your insecurities are yours. It doesn’t mean everyone else notices them too. Most of the time none are ever noticed. Because while there a huge problem or fault to you it doesn’t mean there are to someone else even though I think we can agree I’m a complete drama queen . When you love someone you can really hate them at times but their insecurities or felt flaws you just love them more for it. I usually laugh at my friends when they say something they dislike about them because I love them regardless and I can’t even comprehend how they don’t see just how beautiful they are.
Just remember your far more amazing than you think ❤️
Lots of love