2016. It was going to be my year. God it had to be it couldn’t be as bad as the years before. I was finally going to put my past behind me. I was going to consciously learn to practise self love. Or at least attempt to while eating brownies and reading a fitness book. I after much consideration was ready to go forth and participate in this life. Live it. Brownies still in hand.
This has been the year I lived. I haven’t gone on any sun holidays or spent three months back packing in Asia. I haven’t fallen in love like all these famous Instagram posts dedicated to your significant other. He was my significant other but it wasn’t like that. I haven’t accomplished any important life goals but I’ve finally been able to view reality without blinkered eyes. Okay well most of reality accurately when not in a temper. 2016 was the year that I finally came to terms that 50% of my family are assholes. The were assholes growing up and they still are but I can finally say it out loud. Growing up you didn’t say no, you didn’t say what they believed to be wrong even if it was truth to you. You kept your mouth shut and smiled like your fake elders. To finally Diss something that’s been manifesting inside me so long. To say it and say it out loud. It’s so liberating. You’re assholes and I’m finally glad all ties have ended. The other thing I realised which I wasn’t too happy about was that I’m an asshole. Not on the same level as them but I’m still an asshole and I’ve hurt the most precious to me. Don’t worry I’m feeling it all now. I’ve made really selfish decisions and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for that.
2016 was the year I decided to mix it up. Daytime was the new night. The real night was spent wide eyed afraid of my own shadow or bopping to whatever shuffle decided to torture those around me with.
2016 was the year I looked the happiest I’d ever been. That was true at times but 2016 was also the year I spent most in bed.
2016 was the year I forgot to give a shit and took cocaine off a total stranger. Best night of my life but I spent four day in A and E following it.. yeah that hangover sucked.. and my mum doesn’t know and she’s probably reading this so apologies about that one.
2016 was the year I worried every single night about your suicide risk. By the end of 2016 I was worried about mine.
It was the year I completely lost my marbles and cried because I put the wrong milk in my tea. It was also the year I found them again 10 minutes later splitting my sides to the movie train wreck. Oh God Amy Schumer I love you.
2016 was the year I feared myself into and massive heartbreak. I walked away with the most shaken heartache.
It was the year I broke up with the person I loved over the phone. (Yeah I told you I was a bit of an asshole. There’s most your reason) They lost every ounce of respect in me. It was also the year I forgot to mention to him how much it took out of me trying to pull myself away from the train tracks 3 weeks earlier.
2016 was the year I did my counselling sessions every Wednesday and made progress. It was also the year I looked into her eyes and lied when she asked had I any suicidal intentions.
2016 was the year my Medication had been changed so much that I lost faith in the psychiatrist I agreed with every week.
2016 was the year I wouldn’t self harm once. I’ve spent enough time in the waiting room of the emergency department alone to not go into just how many times.
2016 was the year clothes became more fabulous than my love for smoking. I gave up cigarettes. My dad was delighted. On the 8 month I took them up again and now clothes mean nothing and cigarettes are the only thing I want consistently.
It was the year I vowed to get back to my size ten size 12 figure. It was also the year I lost over a stone and a half in twenty days with stress.
2016 was the year I felt an binding obligation of gratitude to always be there for my friends. It’s now the 6th day of 2017 and i struggle to even know the meaning of the word friend.
As my role model is a strong feminist who is completely for female sexuality and expression I said it would be the year I’d have more sex. Or at least attempt to figure out what the hell you had to do.. them four years detained left me lacking in sexual knowledge. I still don’t know what I’m doing but right now I never want to think of the word again.
2016 was the year and this is one of the only things that I’ve done that I’m proud of. I finally after nineteen years got through and let go of a deep rooted childhood fear. At Christmas I was more afraid than I’d ever been.
It was the year I was finally getting a break. We were so excited booking our trip to Amsterdam. Three days before we flew out I had to ring you and tell you I couldn’t go. How badly I wanted to go is hard to understand but i had no say it the matter whatsoever. The mental health team well actually just one prick said no. No way but still I couldn’t go against that and it broke my heart for you. For me I was pissed with my team but for you I was raging. As your friend and as a human looking objectively at it. I pulled the curtains of the wall that night. I just couldn’t find the words to apologise to you enough.
2016 was the year I finally had a bath again. It had been years. Since Christmas my room is full of Bath bombs, bath salts and oils and of course incense to burn while chilling for hours in the mass of bubbles.
2016 was the year for seven new piercings and my most cherished tattoo. The second one even though I really gotta start increasing that number rapidly. It was the year of shaving off half my hair and watching the hairdressers face as I said what i wanted and he thought In his head I was crazy.
2016 was the year for exploring and falling in love with vintage charity shops. It’s been the year for wacky crazy shirts and completely changing my style. I found my happiness in this. The last three weeks of 2016 my style consisted of pj’s and black tracksuits.
It was the first year I started taking an interest in a world of alternative magic. Bullshit to you maybe. Highly fascinating to me. One psychic one medium. It was a holistic convention is portloaise. The meduim told me she’d never had someone sit before her with so much pain and torment inside themselves. I cried. I look okay I am okay was how the last year had pretty much gone. Again and again she repeated life is for living. I cried the whole way through the session in a large hall filled with people.
See the thing is I have thought about them few words so many times. Too many night and too many morning to even count myself. At the time they were a committed promise to myself even if I disagreed or not.
On the 20th of December you told me that if you left my room I’d put a rope around my neck because that’s the type of girl I was. I thought about it when you were evicted from the hotel. I thought about it when I knew I was safe and you’d left. I thought about it the next morning when things started to come back to me. I’ve thought about it non stop. Every time I look in the mirror. Every time I see those bruises you left on me. Everytime I have to shower and see even my chest exposed. I think of you and I think of you voice. Your mouth. Your facial expressions. I never stop thinking about your stupid sentence and I’ve been stupid enough to act on it.
I’ve had so many nightmares since that night. I’ve spent more time with men and women in uniform than I’ve spent with my family this whole Christmas.
I’ve watched the train go by more times in a day than I’ve eaten. If I walk away you walk away. I’ve pushed too many people away because of you already so I’m not walking away. Not yet. Not until your career and your reputation is ruined.
Your ruined my life. And the worse part I was finally okay. After years of therapy. Some wise soul that I love to bits said to me something she had heard before. She said to me Katie he’s ruined your life. Don’t let him end it too.
Years it took me to recover. You had me relapsed in minutes.
I wish everything you did to me that night on you. I wish every week I have had to go through this and will go through on you 100 times worse. Rapists get hell in jail. Try say no and see how that works out for you.
When you lie in bed at night peacefully asleep and when you wake up wondering have I taken my life yet. Don’t bother. CCTV won’t let you get that lucky.
I’m not going anywhere till you go somewhere.
2016 you’ve been the most awful traumatising year but it’s day 17 since the night I thought it was all over and I’m still alive. As much as this year has killed me it hasn’t succeeded 100% yet and while I don’t know what the future holds I have faith in the hope that I won’t let myself end my life over a man who I thought intended to kill me that night anyway.
I really gotta stop self harming and I should probably start taking my medication. I need to fall out of love with the kindest and greatest man I know and I need to continue every day with the capacity and bravery to face the next few months. I need to make sure that you don’t even get the chance to ever tell a woman shes beautiful without her knowing your full capabilities.
I need to be able to look in the mirror and find Katie in there. I’ve lost her . You erased her and every time I look in the mirror I see glass eyes staring back at me. I look at the bruises and I cry and I want to scream but there nearly gone so the hardest part is over. Now just to continue every day and bring Katie back to me.
I was Katie before you. Right now I may as well be a turning compass I feel that lost but I’ll be Katie again.
I am Katie and I always will be Katie. I’m never going to be the girl you bullied or the girls who’s heart you tried to break for fun. I’m not the girl who you called attention seeking. I’m not the girl your neice you pretend doesn’t exist. I’m not the girl who went out to hurt the most important person to her. I’m not the girl you can text boo with a love heart and pretend it’s all okay.
I’m my own damn person and I’ll do my own damn thing.
So as Katie I’m signing off and I’ll let you say your own shite about me to whoever wants to listen but unless you want to go through the year i did yourself hold your breath and get on with your life.
Lads I wish all good a lovely happy 2017 and please don’t feel your ever stuck in hole you’ll never find your way out of.
- If you have any way been effected by this article please contact someone that you trust to talk to provide help and support
- There is always options available and the help out there.
- It can improve it can get better you just have to find it in you to want to get through it
So thankful to those who’ve helped me and been there through the last few week of this hell and I can’t thank you all enough
Lots of love