The opposite of the bright eyed bubbly girl.

I don’t normally put up posts like this. Something always stops me whether it’s a lack of confidence or stigma. I’m not really sure. The photo on the left was Monday daytime. The photo on the right was last night.  My face is swollen from crying. My nose raw from hours of tears.  My eyes this morning are still puffy and red. I came downstairs and while I was okay people asked what was wrong.  My body hadn’t got itself together yet. Last night was a really tough night and spent the majority of it crying. I finally got to sleep around half three.  The thing is sometimes my friends that don’t know me to well or people that haven’t seen my publicly break down. They expect alot. It’s fobbed off as attitude or moody. Sometimes as a bitch. The thing is I got 6 Snapchats last night during this.

 When I failed to reply questions were asked or statements were made. I didn’t have a Snapchat up to say in the middle of a break down don’t text. So nobody guesses. They see this animated bubbly bright eyed girl on the left and they can never comprehend what’s behind it. Yesterday somebody very close to me lost of one their great friends to suicide. Another soul gone way too young. This post is too say for one minute please read between the lines or listen to the silent ache in people’s lingering words. Don’t second guess yourself and presume people look okay they are okay. I always got that until I was unconscious In hospital with my heart on the verge of failing.

I’m not saying to worry about everyone in your life. To always be on edge. Not at all. But I am saying sometimes 2 and 2 don’t go together so if you know someone close to you is struggling or a friend is in need. If you can just offer your time. Time is really precious and sometimes we get caught up spending it on silly childish things. Too afraid to back down and end an argument and apologise? Don’t be. The people that love you will never see you as a fool. Afraid to bother someone when asking are they okay? Please don’t be sometimes that’s all someone needs. I know myself people ask me “Katie do you want to talk about it?”  I was so used to keeping everything inside that the automatic answer of no I’m fine is out before I’ve realised. I want to go back and say yeah I’d like to talk but I panic that I’ve lost the moment. Some people don’t do persistence. Sometimes persistence saves me. I’m not saying last night I was caught between life or death or at risk to myself. I was just broken down from different aspects of my life. 
That’s another thing. Sometimes people assume the worst and it’s like 

” are you thinking of harming yourself ”
Many people go through really tough times. Some question will they come out the other side. Some don’t come out the other side. And for some it takes a long time to find the other side. Everyone battles the darkness differently. Some hit the pits of despair but don’t find comfort in harmful thoughts. To some self destruct thoughts are the only thing that can comfort them.
I just wanted to say that we all struggle internally with our own battles. Everyone of us. And there’s a quote that says 
“Be kind. You never know that battle someone could be facing”
As a country we are trying so hard to tackle suicide and mental health.  It’s a really tough task to accomplish. To overcome this epidemic of sadness, of sorrow and of suicide. 
I have some fantastic people in my life and I’m so grateful but I am aware from my darkness and those I’ve talked too of just how easy it is to slip into silence. You tell yourself your fine. It’ll only last a few days. You’ll figure it out. And some days it’s much darker that that. It’s well who would care anyway. Why bother. They can’t help. 
We’re humans. We’re so likeable. We’re so easy to love in many ways. When you think that nobody loves you or cares. I don’t know anybody who isn’t loved or cared about. Sometimes it’s hard to see it. Sometimes we don’t want to see it. Us humans are made with such big hearts. There’s such love to give.  Love to feel. And love to spread.
When you struggle to love yourself. Love your favourite people. Focus on that. Give love to them. I promise you they love you. It’s that circle of life that made all them Disney movies. That brings nations together. No discrimination for race, sex, gender, difference nor indifference. Love transpires. Love inspires. To give love and feel love is one of our greatest assets. 
So to all those suffering I send love. I hope you can reach out and find what you need in comfort, in motivation and in light of a peace of mind. 

To all those feeling the pressure to keep up a mask in fear of stigma, judgement or vulnerability don’t be. We can’t be happy everyday. We can’t always be in top shape. We can’t always keep up a front.  In my case makeup hides my front.. in others suits and successful Jobs hold the mask together.

Your not expected to always say yes. To always be kind. To always put others first. Do what’s right for you and if something will bring you out of darkness again do it. If you have to..  do it.
 Again time is precious. And taking two days of work to find that motivation is nothing in the grand scale of things. Cancelling your date is so insignificant in the grand scale of things. Right now it may seem huge. 

Your life and your wellbeing is more important. 
We can’t change the past.  As much as it hurts we can’t bring back the dead. We can’t take back our actions once their done. 
So try to remember your life is a gift. As awful as it’s been. As shit as it is. As bad as it gets. Suicide is permanent.  Your feelings won’t be. The pain won’t always be so soul wrenching. Your life won’t always suck.
If you need to make changes. Start today. Start while you have the moment. Start believing in yourself. Start dreaming. 
To all the amazing human beings I know. Your all fantastic.  Your all incredibly brave because sometimes this life is cruel. Your here to make a difference. To you. Or to the world. Maybe you’ll paint a famous art painting. Maybe you’ll finally get to be a parent. Maybe you’ll finally own them 20 dogs you’ll always dreamed of.
And maybe just maybe when your getting old and your time to go is coming. You’ll sit around and tell stories of your travels. Your memories. Your treasures.  You’ll gush to your grand children about back in the day when you found out freddos had gone up to 40c. You’ll be happy.  Your life was really great. The pain you feel right now will be only a far away memory. 
So there’s no maybe about it.You keep that hope. You go outside and find the light in the sunrise. You keep going.
I promise some day you wont even be able to comprehend how you nearly didn’t.  
Peace out to all you amazingly beautiful and intelligent people. The world wouldn’t go round without all of you.
Lots of love Katie.

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