Day two of a shitty hangover and my aunties birthday.
I’ve no idea where to start with this one. I’ve scribbled a few things down in the last few weeks but this adhd always takes me on some other tangent. I know I need to write something though.. It’s been one of those days where I feel I lazed around in my Pjs and I feel I need something. When the girls ask me if I have wrote recently I always say things need to be either so shit I can’t not write or so shit that I can’t write anyway. It’s neither of those today.
But to write I need to think. And thinking is something I haven’t been doing much of lately. That’s a total shock to the system considering I’d over think about how much I’ve been over thinking.
I’ve tried my very hardest lately to just be in the moment. Go with it. At first it took a bit of effort but now it seems to be the way forward with zero effort trying to stay on the focus.
I’ve been sick lately. I’ve been down to the lovely A and E of portloaise three times in the last few months. Body on one stretcher. Mind on another. It’s just constant turmoil trying to figure out the route of this mysterious illness and racing pulse.. it actually drives me crazy but right now I’m not too pissed. There in may I headed to the gp after pondering A and E a little too long. The pulse was taken 4 times in 10 minutes. Resting pulse should be 60-80 beats per minute. Resting. She looked at me and said Katie your pulse isn’t going below 150. You need to head straight to A and E. Kinda knew it was coming. So off I went . Again. More tests. More scans. More drama. After 3 days I had lost my will to figure the mystery out. Prescription of steroids for nine weeks. Nine weeks. Steroids. We’re they actually serious ? Steroids as in weight gain ? I freaked. Weight gain. That meant I’d to start restricting again. That meant exercise every time I was alone in my room. That meant the anxiety of suddenly having to eat all my meals away from everyone cause the food charts would start showing if it was picked up on. Along with everything else. Along with the forever expanding self hate. The self harm. The fuck ups of previous lives past and the weight of keeping my mouth shut and pleasing the family. At 14 years of age I got the whole blame game of you said this and you said that. At 20 years of age I’m still keeping their cuntish asses out of serving time. Sounds awful right ? Well I’m not choosing too. I just have to figure it out all in my head before anything else. But the responsibility sucks. It all sucks. Want to be a twenty year old not a one woman jury sussing to and fro.
Long story short I collapsed under it all. Couldn’t keep doing it. Discharged myself from hospital. Discharged myself into another spotlight of darkness. Had a few outbursts. Threatened to walk away from my mental health team. Hopeless didn’t even cover it. Anyway the team weren’t having any of it. I could throw my shitty tantrums as usual but I wasn’t throwing away my life. Not after the fight I gave to survive it. Meetings were pulled here, there and everywhere. We needed to come up with a plan of action. So we did.
I sat with the psychiatrist giving out as usual and we got talking about my aunty. My aunty had the same shit as me. Maybe worse. But she’s doing her masters in psychology. She’s two small kids. Two snoring pugs. A fiancee. And a home. She’s class. The doctor said Katie leave it behind you. You have to stop taking their shit. You have to live your life. The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree we both know that. Look at your aunty and her life. Now choose wisely the Apple you pick. I’m standing there like Sean I know she’s A1 but seriously does any one ever stop talking about how amazing she is.
After throwing the pebbles back and forth for awhile I got myself into a routine. I started hitting the gym. I’ve a serious temper on me and knew I’d be liable to anything if not putting this energy to use. Within a few days I started to become dependant on it. Is it a bad addiction ? Answer yes it can be when you take it too far or use it for the wrong purpose. For my mind it’s that one thing that just makes me bounce. My mind gets bored at times in the gym but it takes the toxicity away from it.
I made a decision to knuckle down and get this leaving certificate done. No junior cert. No exams. But you have to start somewhere. I’ll bear it down and I’ll get my points. What after that. God knows. But it’s something.
I’ve started to get my sleep pattern back on track. I’m busy all day everyday.. well not today but I’ll allow it. My nightmares have been at bay for a few weeks now so I’m getting a decent sleep and waking up refreshed in the mornings. I can’t stress how important sleep is for your health. If all else was good but my sleep was shite I’d be suffering. It takes a routine and it takes a few wide eyed staring competitions with the wall to really appreciate how exact the relationship between mental health and sleep tie together hand in hand.
I have this book. It’s called girl up by Laura Bates. It’s one of those books you give to your young aspiring woman in your life and say you don’t regret the read. There is a large part in it about body positivity. Not flat stomach body positivity or bikini bods. But about how much our body does for us. About appreciating yourself for a whole. A human being that can wake up and smile and chat to the world. To cuddle kittens and cook delicious desserts. To walk pretty nature trails and swing on see saws. Our body is a temple that does any thing we ask. Lift hand. And our hand if lifting. Our body doesn’t work against us. We gotta stop giving it so much grief. You don’t have legs to stand in the mirror pinching them and getting upset about our thighs. We have our legs to bring us places. Keep us grounded and stand up tall. To run and hike and jump and cartwheel. I started looking at my body differently. I stepped off society’s stone cold step of superficialness and stupid advertisement skills. Who the fuck cares if riri has put on weight. Who cares that khloe has dropped 3 dress sizes. What does that matter in this world ? It fucking doesn’t and it never will. What a load of crap. How do these magazines even sell. When your camped out on the beaches of Bali with your friends you won’t be thinking of bullshit like that. Maybe right now but in the bigger picture which is your life it doesn’t matter. None of that does. It’s you. You matter. Your the most important character in your life. Please tell me your not gonna spend it tryna change yourself ?
Change yourself for the better but don’t change because you feel you need too or you have too. Change yourself because your finding the person you’ve always wanted to be. Change yourself because you have found a new career calling or because you fancy it but don’t change because you think you have too. You being you is enough.
Happiness comes from inside. It’s not a destination of a new job or a dress size or a country. Happiness is a journey you find in yourself. Not every day is amazing and not every day is easy. But every day is another. And every morning you wake you have a choice to do what’s right for you and enjoy it or let it roll into the next with no sense of contentment or purpose.
Happiness as I’m telling all my friends right now is not materialistic. Maybe buying nice things will make you happy But is it sufficient to keep it up ? What about the times when nothing’s going on and you have stopped driving the latest car? I always find its in the moments most silent my sadness creeps up on me. When I’m just sitting down and I’ve stopped whatever I was at five minutes before. Does this bother me ? Not anymore. I’ve learned to embrace it. Maybe it’s not sadness. I can’t be on a high every minute of everyday. When silence is around I’m just at peace. I got what I needed to get done done. I haven’t upset anybody and I made the effort. Maybe I’ll sit here for an hour not saying a word or thinking a thought. It’s part of life. Ride the waves up and down cause in the morning I’m gonna get up and do it all again.
I don’t need validation nor attention to feel okay like before. I don’t need to be stuck to my phone to feel a connection. I don’t need to text my friends constantly just to try stay in the loop of a friendship. I don’t need to be on tinder hoping and praying I’m not forever alone. I don’t need to hold in my anger and anguish just to keep the peace. Keep them happy. I don’t need to rely on anyone anymore.
My favourite change in the last few weeks? Just that. I’m finally really happy in myself and everything else is falling into place with that. I don’t have to put in the effort anymore to feel okay. It isn’t an effort. It’s my life. I’ve been living it for 20 years I had to figure it at some stage. My happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else around me. It used too. I never felt the worth to feel happiness. I never felt the want to save myself. Why would I. I didn’t want this shitty life.
Life is what you make it. Shitty or not so shitty. I can’t ever change the shit that happened but I can change how much I let it mess with me. The last two months god they have been a roller coaster of on off with one foot in and then one foot out. It’s taken time. It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt this is life changing in a good way. This is life changing. But only you can do it.
Get ready. Get set. And go forth and enjoy it.
Two years ago my life was ruled over. She will be dead in less than three days were the lovely words thrown around the high court in Dublin. I was 18. Fuck all of ye for saying such a thing. God they must be miserable in their jobs. 2 years on the 8th of July and I’m probably happier than any of you so called professional di*** ..
You gotta do this for you. Nobody else. But please do it. At least give it a try.
Here’s to second chances and having to go study for this leaving cert for the year of 2017. Fuck my life.
I love it really.
Lots of love Katie. Xx